So I moved away from home, away from expectations and pressures I felt like I should have been living up to by age 23. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it, or, of it it's even like this for everyone, but for me, it just ended up putting things into perspective a little bit more. Everything I wanted, everything I thought I wanted and what I knew I definitely did not want suddenly became so clear.
Before I felt out to Australia and before I even made the decision that I was definitely going to come out here, I was battling what I thought was a serious internal conflict. I had ten or so months before I was supposed to go back to university and I could either use that time to work full time and start saving money towards a deposit for a house, or, I could go to Australia for a few months and either really love it or really hate it. Either way, it would be a different kind of experience and I'd be able to do a little bit of travel alongside working.
With people my age all around me becoming successful in their chosen careers, starting to settle down with their partners, getting engaged, buying their own houses and having children - it was something that I was starting to feel the immense pressure of. I felt so incredible lost. It seemed as though everyone else had their shit together, then there was me, not having any idea what I really wanted to do, or even knowing where I wanted to be. In many ways, because I wasn't in any of those places in my life, or even remotely close to being in any of those places, it was starting to make me feel like a little bit of a failure. Okay, maybe like a massive failure. I'm very aware of the fact you should never compare yourself to others, but when you feel so directionless it's pretty damn hard and way easier said than done.
However, the great thing is that coming out here has allowed me to step from reality as it were, step back from those pressures and expectations and think about what I do and do not want. I can see very clearly now that being 23 and tied down to a mortgage is something I definitely do not want. I understand it's a good investment and I also understand and appreciate that it is something that some people want. And if it is and it works for you then great, I'm happy for you. But I realised it's not something that I want, at least, not at this stage in my life. I feel too young to have a mortgage and have it limit me in all kinds of ways. I like the freedom I have right now, I have no real commitments and nothing tying me down.
Travelling has always been something I've wanted to do, it's always been something I've felt passionate about. When I think about my life and how I want it to look, I want to be able to say I did things for myself and I chose my life, as opposed to simply settling for it. I do not want to do things just because it's what I'm supposed to do, or because it's what other people think I should do. I want to do things that make me happy. If there's one thing I've really started to realise recently is that life is far too short. It's important to do the things you want, because when will you get the time to actually be able to do them? We are programmed from a young age to believe that you go to school to get a good education, so you can get into a good university, so you can get a good job and work the rest of your life. I get it, I understand. But right now I really don't want to be working a 9-5 job just because.
When I hear my parents saying that they wish they had the opportunity to do even a fraction of the awesome thing I've been lucky enough to do so far, I feel so sad for them. Because they haven't had those experiences and they probably never will. I think of all the wonderful things I've seen and all the brilliant people I've met through travelling, through having the balls to go out there and do it and I can't help but wonder how different their lives would be. But unfortunately, they never had the opportunities that I've been blessed with. They are the best people I know and I love them for everything they have done for me, for everything they still do for me, and for everything they will continue to do for me in the future. As parents go, they are the best and I am so blessed and grateful to be their child. However, I don't want to end up like them in the sense that I don't want to be wishing I had done things "when I was younger" because it's opportunities like this that don't come around very often and I'm not about to pass anything up.
I have always thought I wanted to teach, it's been something I was sure of since high school. The time away from my PGCE, coupled with my time in Australia has made me question whether or not it's actually for me. Not in the sense of working with children, because I enjoy being around children and I loved my time in school on placement and the various other child related work I've done over the years. Teaching is one of the most admirable jobs there is, and nobody can really understand how hard it is unless you do it yourself or you've tried to. It's not for everybody and that's okay. While I know that I would one hundred percent love it for the working with children aspect, I'm not sure that dealing with everything else that comes with it is something I want. I'm also not sure that putting myself back into something that had such a strong and negative impact on my mental health is actually worth it. As I've said before and I'll say again, life is far too short to do anything that makes you unhappy, miserable and stressed. And if, in a few years I change my mind and I feel ready to try teaching again, that option will always be there.
So as for what I'm actually going to do, I still have no idea. I'm supposed to go home in September and go back to university. It's something I need to make a decision about and relatively fast. However, I think if I end up going back I still probably will choose not to go back to university. At that point, then I'll honestly have no idea what the future will hold for me. But as for right now, it's not really something I'm worrying about. Maybe I'll stay in Australia for the full year, maybe I'll travel elsewhere. Maybe I'll do this, maybe I'll do that. The great thing is that I have the ability and the freedom to do whatever I want. I'll figure everything else out along the way.
Love,
Brogan
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