Your Mind Matters: Living with Anxiety

This post is one that is quite personal, but I feel like it's important to talk about because there is still such a stigma around mental health. January is generally the time of year that everybody decides to 'get fit' - people start eating healthily and joining gyms in order to improve their physical health. But people seem to forget about taking care of their mental health and just how important this is. 1 in 4 people in the UK suffer from mental health problems and yet I find it is a topic that people shy away from, either from fear or embarrassment.

My parents would describe me as a cautious child, I would always stand back and observe before deciding whether to take part in something. For as long as I can remember, I have always worried and stressed about things that to other people would seem so insignificant. But it was while I was in Year 9 at high school that this all came to a head. I began worrying excessively about going to school, about sitting in lessons with my peers. It made me feel so nauseous and there was a point where I was vomiting as much as five times a day with worry. I wasn't sleeping properly, I had lost my appetite, I had frequent headaches and a knot in my stomach that just wouldn't go away. I had my first panic attack in the middle of one of my Year 9 SATs and it was from that point I decided to go and see my GP.

Feeling symptoms of anxiety are common from time to time. These can arise if you're worrying about an exam, worrying about a job interview, going through a stressful period in your life. These feelings are normally fleeting and don't last for long. It becomes a mental health problem when these feelings are prolonged and begin to have an impact on your everyday life. When I visited my GP and explained everything that I'd been feeling and experiencing, I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) at fourteen. Over the years I have been on and off different kinds of medication. I have tried adapting my diet and exercise. I have tried calming sprays and meditation.

My anxiety was effecting every aspect of my life, I constantly felt nauseous and on edge. I was was also worrying that my anxiety would cause me to have another panic attack. If you've never had a panic attack before then you are lucky. A panic attack is a rush of intense anxiety coupled with physical symptoms. Everyone can experience a panic attack differently. For me, my heart races, I hyperventilate, I feel dizzy and sick. The worst panic attack (or serious of panic attacks) that I've ever had, I felt like I was actually dying. At the time the company I worked for had to call the paramedics. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel my arms, legs or cheeks. I was told my lips were turning blue. I felt like I had a weight on my chest that I couldn't get off. It was horrific and terrifying. But anxiety and panic attacks became the norm in my life. While all my peers were enjoying their youth without excessive worrying and stress, there was me, who at one point, was unable to do something as simple as go to the cinema.

But people can be so judgemental. I can be clothed, my hair can be clean, I can have make up on. I can look like I have everything together. My arm or leg isn't in a cast, I am not cut, nor am I bruised. So that must mean that I'm perfectly fine, right? Wrong. Nobody can see the way my head spins or my how my knees knock. Just because anxiety is a mental health problem, does not make it any less debilitating than a physical illness. For me, anxiety isn't just dealing with physical symptoms. It is like a voice in my head that will not shut up. It is the voice that tells me I'm not good enough, that I'm a disappointment, it's the over-analysing of situations I've been in and conversations I've had, it's worrying that my words or actions have pissed someone off. 

And my feelings of anxiety are not always constant. I can have periods of time where I feel good. I can smile and laugh, be productive and go about my day. But there are also periods of time where I feel terrible. Sometimes for no reason. It is something for me, that comes in waves. I can be fine one minute and not fine the next. I know this may seem difficult to understand. It doesn't just happen when I'm feeling particularly anxious or low. On my trip in the summer with Trek America, I was probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. But I still had a panic attack. It came out of nowhere. That's because anxiety doesn't care. 

One thing that really pushes my buttons is being told to "calm down" or "just relax". I know that there is no malicious intent with these words, but they really do not help. What I think people struggle to understand is, especially if they've never experienced anxiety or mental health problems themselves, is that I do not enjoy feeling this way. I do not enjoy having a knot in my stomach that refuses to go away. I do not enjoy constantly worrying about things, things that seem unimportant and insignificant. I do not enjoy when I cannot catch my breath and my body shakes uncontrollably. If there was a switch that I could flip that would mean I was anxiety-free, I would have flipped it long ago. 

I still struggle to go to the cinema. I struggle around large groups of people. I struggle sitting in a lecture hall. I struggle being on public transport. I struggle being a passenger in car. I worry excessively. Over time, I've developed "safety behaviours" that allow me to do these things. If I go to the cinema, I never go on an opening night of a film or at a time I know will be busy. If I'm in a lecture, I always have to sit at the back and near the end of an aisle. If I'm on a bus, I have to try and sit in a specific seat. I like order and routine, it keeps me calm. I struggle with change. I found when I started my undergraduate degree I absolutely hated it. I considered dropping out so many times. I really struggled to adapt to university life. I know many of my friends that will tell you university was the best time of their life. For me, it wasn't. 

I have always wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember. I started back at university in September and for three/four weeks prior to beginning, I felt horrifically anxious and could not sleep. I managed to get through the first four weeks at university, I sat in every lecture and I was really proud of myself. While on placement, I began to feel the overwhelming feeling of dread. I felt anxious, I couldn't sleep. I was crying in bed, a lot. I had a panic attack one day while in school. I felt unsure about everything. My anxiety came to a head again and had me questioning if teaching was something I really wanted. Did I want to do something that was making me feel so anxious? That was only going to make me feel more anxious? Would I be able to cope with the pressure of such an intense 9 months on the PGCE? Did I really want this? Eventually, after a lot of thinking (and stress, and tears) I decided to defer for the year. This allowed me time away to think and process. It meant I could go back if I wanted, because the place I'd worked so hard to obtain was and still is mine. Or, if I wanted, I could walk away completely. 

I knew that if I was going to go back and be successful then I had to be proactive and do something about it. I am always going to suffer from anxiety but I refuse to allow it to completely rule my life. So at the end of December, I decided that I was going to refer myself to have cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT is a form of talking therapy that aims to change the way you think and behave. I have my first appointment next week and I'm really hopeful that it will give me the tools to better equip myself to deal with my anxiety.

I have come to accept that I will always suffer from anxiety. That it will never completely go away. I'm a lot better at dealing with my anxiety now compared to when I was fourteen. But I am still learning how to cope with it and I always will be. There's no shame in that. This year I'm really focusing on improving my mental health and getting myself back to a good place. 

I also won't allow myself to be defined by it or to completely rule my life. It is a never ending battle, one with highs and lows along the way. I'm not ashamed to say I suffer from it. I'm a very open person and I'm not ashamed to talk about it. Suffering from anxiety does not make me any less of a person. It does not make me weak. I probably wouldn't be me without it. I hope that in writing this it can get people talking about mental health. That it can help people, even if it's just one person. Please know that you are not alone, even though you may feel like that you are. Please know that you are stronger than you think. And if anyone ever wants to talk, you know where I am. 

Love,

Brogan